Unquenchable Bloodlust vs Fall of Nottingham (EmperorLemon vs HourofPoop)
Before we begin
This blog’s going to be focusing on the versions of the characters found in the following YouTube Poops: Mr. Krabs’ Unquenchable Bloodlust, Friar’s Rubbing Wood - Fall of Nottingham, Miscreants of Middle-Earth, and No Nuts in Nottingham.
Eugene Krabs, the crustaceaous killer with an Unquenchable Bloodlust!
Archibald Tuck, the fucked up Friar that caused the Fall of Nottingham!
Throughout the many years YouTube has existed, one genre of video has remained an undying, popular concept: YouTube Poop. What once started as edits of old video game cartoons with Windows Movie Maker evolved along with the site it spawned from, branching out into different sources, editing styles, and even different subgenres.
But regardless of what you do with it, one thing is consistent: completely altering the existing characters into strange bastardizations of themselves. And nothing highlights this more than witnessing these anthropomorphic killers from the storytelling “cinematic” YTPs.
Though the question remains: what happens when these two side characters turned serial murderers face off? Will Friar Tuck become another victim of Mr. Krabs’ bloodlust? Or will Eugene find himself damned by the deranged reverend?
Background
Mr. Krabs
“You little yellow bastard! I trusted you, and you gave me this? I can’t believe me own crew would betray me like this. I’LL HAVE YER REAR ENDS CUT OFF AND MOUNTED OVER ME FIREPLACE!”
If you’ve been on YouTube for a long time, chances are you’ve seen some kind of SpongeBob parody. Whether it’s a comedy sketch making fun of the show, turning the characters into sailor mouths, or transforming them into psychotic murderers, there are plenty of angles you can take the concept.
And then there’s Mr. Krabs’ Unquenchable Bloodlust, one of the first SpongeBob YouTube Poops to actually tell a full story around one of these more depraved retellings.
During a visit from a local health inspector, Eugene Krabs learns from a news report that the man is actually an impostor who’s trying to scam him by obtaining free food. Being the rational and sound-minded businessman he is, Mr. Krabs naturally decides the best course of action is to kill him!
With the aid of some potassium cyanide and blackmailing to convince SpongeBob to help him, Krabs successfully murdered the health inspector and had him dragged out, forcing SpongeBob to bury him. But right when he finished the job, the two were confronted by the police.
Not wanting to take any chances, Krabs wasted no time in gunning them down with a machine gun (which I guess he just had lying around?) and using a flamethrower to blow up their car (somehow). As his newest victims were set ablaze in a fiery explosion, Krabs laughed like a madman, completely unaware of the effects this would have on his mind.
As he went to sleep, Eugene became haunted by what he’d done. All he could do was replay those murders in his head, backed up by a voice in the back of his head that clamored for him to kill MOAR. Unable to take it, Eugene suffered a breakdown in the middle of the Krusty Krab, prompting his own employees to evacuate the customers and turn him over to the police. As he was taken away, Mr. Krabs was disheartened by the betrayal… for about 8 seconds, before suddenly switching to furiously declaring vengeance.
Left to rot in a jail cell, Mr. Krabs spiraled into even deeper insanity, giving in to his urges and fully losing himself to his bloodlust. After causing a distraction by doing… whatever this is, Krabs killed two security guards for no reason and escaped from prison, told to us through some shoddily edited footage from The Shawshank Redemption.
Now a free man, Krabs’ first order of business was to take revenge on Squidward, breaking into the cephalopod’s home and splitting his skull with an axe. With this single act, Mr. Krabs left the entirety of Bikini Bottom paralyzed with fear and gave SpongeBob one realization: he was no longer safe.
Accompanied by Patrick, SpongeBob would flee Bikini Bottom in a several hour long trek, only to discover the location of Mr. Krabs’ new house. Upon investigating it, they discovered a bucket whose contents exploded, somehow splattering the entire room in a massive paint job of blood. And at the bottom of the barrel lay Squidward’s severed head (for some reason no longer caved in), alongside a letter written in blood that displayed three words: Gotta Have MOAR!
After being discovered, SpongeBob and Patrick fled the scene, only for Patrick to be captured and slain. Cornering SpongeBob in his pineapple home, Krabs prepared to take vengeance on his former employee by stabbing him with a knife, only to become horrified when he realized SpongeBob had anticipated this. Using a bomb strapped to his chest, SpongeBob sacrificed himself to take out Mr. Krabs, ending both of their lives in a blaze of glory.
Friar Tuck
“Jesus died for our sins. Hee hee hee! One more won’t hurt!”
Being a well-respected member of the church and secret member of Robin Hood’s Merry Men, Friar Archibald Tuck was among the many civilians who secretly opposed the tyrannical rule of Prince John. However, in this version of events, the Merry Men attend the local archery tournament (here called the “Ara Ara Turd”) in the hopes of scoring with some hot bitches.
Despite enjoying the festivities at first, things eventually took a violent turn after an encounter between Robin Hood and Jango Fett resulted in Tuck’s ice pop getting destroyed. Infuriated, Tuck ambushed Jango by launching himself out of a cannon, ultimately killing the bounty hunter by blowing up his jet pack.
The entire festival was then thrown into chaos. Many of Nottingham’s citizens began brawling because… I have no idea. Everyone just starts throwing hands all of a sudden.
The chaotic brawl would eventually dissolve after a Peter Griffin blimp crashed, distracting everyone and convincing them to call off their fights. Feeling the need to calm his nerves, Tuck went over to the local ice cream stand, but right as he was about to order the last ice pop, it was taken by a boy named Skippy. Angered that this six year old child would steal from a man of the cloth, Tuck stole it back, but this would prove to be a huge mistake.
Skippy reported Tuck’s “crime” to Prince John, who- in an uncharacteristic moment of kindness- politely asked the friar to return the boy’s ice cream. When he refused and things got physical, Tuck found himself publicly humiliated in front of the entire town, who insulted and jeered him. And then Prince John dispensed upon him the worst sentence of all: working for EA.
As the public laughed at his misfortune and continued to mock him, Tuck’s anger blazed, and as he vanished in a puff of smoke, the friar swore that God would curse Nottingham.
This flagrant disobedience was enough that it actually caused Prince John to switch targets. Where Robin Hood was once his most wanted criminal, now Friar Tuck had taken his place. John’s forces spread throughout Nottingham, determined to bring the churchman to justice, but no one could find him. And as the days went by, Tuck descended into madness.
Stripped of his reputation and practically exiled from his home, Tuck began plotting to destroy Nottingham. He then forsook his religious teachings to begin studying the use of black magic, taking a particular interest in a spell known as Salute the Sun.
Using his knowledge of the dark arts, he killed Skippy and provoked the sentient Moon (portrayed by Charles Laughton) into attacking Prince John, stranding him in the depths of space. As the Moon wreaked havoc on Nottingham, Tuck used his sorcery to murder the valiant knight Sir Ector, using his soul as one of the three fuel sources to cast Salute the Sun.
As the Sun (depicted as English actor Stephen Fry) rose and the Moon was forced to retreat, the people of Nottingham regained their respect for Tuck and rewarded their savior with a cruise ticket to Las Vegas.
But as their “hero” boarded his ship, the final part of Salute the Sun came into play. The sigil activated, drawing forth a massive beam of solar energy that completely incinerated Nottingham. Everyone in the city was instantly killed, and the few who were lucky to escape could only look on in horror as their home was destroyed. All except for Friar Tuck, who took great joy in seeing its annihilation.
After several years of enjoying a luxurious life in Vegas (aside from a few public incidents), Tuck would go back to his murderous ways after being scorned on live TV by the popular talk show host (and his former lover) the Sheriff of Nottingham. Using a pistol he snuck into the studio, Tuck shot the wolf man in the head and was hauled off to prison, where he’d be left to rot for the rest of his days…
Or so it seemed. He’d later make a surprise appearance in Miscreants of Middle-Earth, where he attempted to rescue the Fellowship of the Ring after they were kidnapped by a group of trolls. With his immense strength, he split a boulder and called upon the Sun to vanquish his enemies, but fled in embarrassment after the Sun refused.
As of this writing, that’s the last we’ve seen from him, though it’s only a matter of time before he shows back up in another video.
Experience and Skill
Mr. Krabs
Despite only having three days worth of experience, Mr. Krabs has proven himself a sufficient killer, able to use a wide variety of weapons to commit his murderous acts. He’s relied on poisons, guns, axes, knives, and even his bare hands to kill others. And despite lacking any formal training, he’s accurate enough to cave in Squidward’s skull (or decapitate him. The continuity gets a bit messy between scenes).
He’s also shown to be somewhat capable of setting up plans before executing his victims. This can be seen in his final confrontation with SpongeBob, where he cuts the phone lines to prevent him from calling for help and tries to catch him off guard by disguising himself as Patrick.
Friar Tuck
Despite what his unassuming appearance would have you believe, Friar Tuck is a surprisingly efficient combatant. He’s held his own against more experienced opponents like the bounty hunter Jango Fett or the royal knight Sir Ector.
However, his true strength lies in his mastery of magic and deception. Within only a few days of learning, he’d become an expert in all sorts of black magic, and was able to successfully manipulate Sir Ector into unknowingly aiding his pagan rituals until it was too late. He also managed to successfully pull off a long winded plan that redeemed him in the eyes of Nottingham’s people, while also ensuring the city’s complete destruction.
Equipment
Mr. Krabs
Poison
A bottle of liquid potassium cyanide that Mr. Krabs used to murder a fake health inspector. Upon ingestion, the user will suffer asphyxiation for about 5 seconds before instantly dying.
Machine Gun
A machine gun Krabs used to murder two police officers.
Flamethrower
A gasoline-powered blowtorch whose flames are strong enough to blow up cars.
Axe
A fireman’s axe that Krabs used to break into Squidward’s bathroom. It can be swung hard enough to split skulls or decapitate.
Chainsaw
While he’s never actually shown using it on screen, judging by the blood, he has used it to execute at least one victim.
Rope
Useful for ensnaring and reeling in any victims that try to escape him.
Explosive
As shown in the above gif, Krabs apparently uses some kind of explosive after capturing Patrick.
Patrick Suit
A skinsuit made from the remains of Patrick Star. Useful for making himself appear inconspicuous before delivering a killing blow.
Knife
It’s a regular kitchen knife. What else am I supposed to say about it? It doesn’t have any special properties or anything. He just uses it to stab shit, but it can be stopped by basic protection (or by strapping a bomb to your chest).
Friar Tuck
Frying Pan
Useful as a makeshift bludgeon, Tuck can swing this with enough force to knock someone out.
Cannon
A massive cannon found during the Ara Ara Turd, which Tuck can use to launch himself as a human (or I guess badger) cannonball.
Cane
While he mainly uses it to support himself as he walks, Tuck can also use it for bludgeoning. It’s strong enough to split boulders in two and can destroy metal jet packs like Jango Fett’s. However, it isn’t indestructible, and a sharp enough blade can slice through it.
Potion
A vial of black liquid that, upon being thrown to the ground, explodes into a cloud of red mist. It’s thick enough to allow Tuck to escape areas unscathed, and can blind anyone who tries to attack him.
Voodoo Doll
A proxy of Maid Marian that Tuck can control. It’s capable of stealing the souls of others and seems to be able to manipulate time for specific people, as it’s shown causing Lady Kluck’s corpse to rapidly decay.
Grimoire of the Dark Arts
A book full of spells containing the worst kinds of black magic. While most of its contents are unknown, it’s shown to have details regarding the ritual for Salute the Sun.
By opening the book, Tuck can unleash a powerful stream of magic that leaves its target completely paralyzed. If used during Salute the Sun, this stream will suck its victim inside of the sigil, destroying their body and using their soul as fuel for the ritual.
Revolver
A handgun capable of firing six shots. Tuck used this to kill the Sheriff of Nottingham in a homage to the 2019 Joker movie.
Abilities
Mr. Krabs
Stealth
Despite not showing it too often in the video, Mr. Krabs seems to be able to go undetected while sneaking up to his victims. He managed to break into Squidward’s house despite all of the measures taken to barricade himself, and once snuck up on SpongeBob and Patrick from behind. He’s even used a disguise to lull SpongeBob into a false sense of security before cornering him.
Friar Tuck
Stealth
While he isn’t particularly trained in it, Friar Tuck is shown to be an expert when it comes to remaining unseen. Despite having constant hordes of troops searching for him across Nottingham, entire days went by with no one able to find him.
Damning
By telling someone they’ll go to Hell, Tuck can cause the Earth to split open and swallow them. The helpless victim will then descend into the depths of Hell, where their bodies will be eternally scorched by hellfire.
However, this ability isn’t entirely foolproof. Should the damned in question prove particularly annoying, they’ll be kicked out of Hell and sent back to the land of the living.
Aerokinesis
By using his black magic, Tuck can conjure gusts of wind strong enough to redirect arrows.
Telekinesis
One of the abilities granted by his studying of the dark arts, Tuck’s telekinesis is strong enough to force open a drawbridge.
Salute the Sun
The ultimate spell in The Grimoire of the Dark Arts. By sacrificing three of the most contemptible souls and drawing a sigil of the Sun, the wielder can perform a ritual that invokes the powers of the Sun to unleash a deadly beam of solar energy.
The beam’s range is large enough to encompass Nottingham and its surrounding forest, though it takes about three minutes to activate after the ritual’s requirements are met.
Feats
Mr. Krabs
Overall
Successfully killed a fake health inspector and two police officers
Killed two guards during a prison break
Killed Squidward
Paralyzed all of Bikini Bottom with fear within 2 days of becoming a serial killer
Killed Patrick
Strength
Ripped the faces off two guards
Caved Squidward’s skull in with one swing from an axe (or decapitated him if we go by a later scene)
Speed
While he couldn’t catch up to them due to their significant head start, he was still able to trail Spongebob and Patrick from a few feet away
SpongeBob can run back to his home from Mr. Krabs’ house within 26 seconds, and Patrick’s relative to him
Skinned Patrick and turned him into a suit in a short timespan
Assuming he began as soon as Patrick was blown up and that he’d finished by the time he called SpongeBob, this would’ve taken Krabs 6 seconds
Durability
Survived being beaten by Spongebob and Squidward off screen and came out visibly uninjured
Withstood two police officers beating him with batons
Crashed through a massive coral structure without any signs of damage
Friar Tuck
Overall
Killed Jango Fett
Became public enemy number 1 in Nottingham
Evaded capture from all of Prince John’s forces for several days
Sacrificed Lady Kluck, Skippy, and Sir Ector as part of his Salute the Sun spell
Restored his reputation among Nottingham’s people by “banishing” the Moon
Destroyed Nottingham
Killed the Sheriff of Nottingham
Strength
Knocked out Robin Hood by hitting him over the head with a frying pan, which was hard enough that Little John thought he’d killed him
Punched Jango Fett in the head and destroyed his jet pack by smashing it with a walking stick
The impact of him hitting the ground from cloud level caused his surroundings to violently shake
His cane swings are strong enough to harm Sir Ector even with his metal armor
Using his telekinesis, he can forcibly lower a drawbridge
With Salute the Sun, he can cast a massive beam capable of completely incinerating Nottingham and its surrounding forest
Split a boulder in two
Speed
His wind spells are able to redirect arrows mid-flight
His telekinesis can force a drawbridge to fully open in 1.5 seconds
Fully rendered the complex sigil for Salute the Sun in 5 seconds
Salute the Sun creates a massive beam of solar energy that travels from the Sun to Earth in 4 seconds
Possibly comparable to Robin Hood, who could dodge Jango Fett’s blaster bolts
Durability
Fell from cloud level onto the ground, landing on his feet without any harm
An arrow bounces off after hitting him in the ass
Got poked in the ass with an arrow and dragged across the ground face first, only to emerge uninjured
Weaknesses
Mr. Krabs
Despite his fearsome reputation, Mr. Krabs is far from perfect. Having only been active for three days, he doesn’t have much experience in killing, and his combat experience as a whole is nonexistent since he relies on ambushing his victims and catching them off guard.
It doesn’t help that while he is capable of coming up with traps to lure others in, he seems to prefer more straightforward, brutal approaches. This also hampers his stealth abilities, since he likes to announce his presence before killing his victims.
Friar Tuck
Friar Tuck might be a devious schemer and ruthless killer, but he still has quite a few downsides. He’s got a pretty bad temper, and if he can’t reign himself in, he could start to act more rash and impulsive. And while he is capable of fighting others directly, he’s more comfortable with a hands off approach, relying more on manipulation and magic over raw strength.
And while its power may be immense, Salute the Sun needs specific requirements in order to be performed, and even then the spell takes some time to activate. It doesn’t help that the Sun has a mind of its own, and can even refuse to work with him at times.
Summary
Mr. Krabs
“So you wanna know if I can feel it? Because I can feel it! You wanna know what I’m feelin’? I’M FEELIN’ LIKE A TOTAL BARNACLE HEAD!”
Advantages:
Machine gun gives him superior firepower and speed against Tuck’s revolver…
Poison could one-shot Tuck if ingested…
Tuck’s lack of notable speed feats means the machine gun could easily take him out…
Disadvantages:
Weaker in terms of raw strength
Debatably slower
Lacking in stealth skills compared to Tuck
…Whether he’d actually USE his machine gun is another matter entirely
…But there’s next to no chance he could trick Tuck into consuming it
…Unless you scale Tuck to Jango Fett
Tuck has more methods of one-shotting him
No defenses against Tuck’s soul hax
Has no way of surviving Salute the Sun
Technically speaking, his entire story never happened according to the post credits scene
Friar Tuck
“Those conniving backstabbers think they’ve WON? Well, they’ll pay for my injustice! Heeheeheehee!”
Advantages:
Stronger
Debatably faster
Superior stealth skills
More combat experience by virtue of actually being in combat
Has WAY more versatility in terms of arsenal
Damning and soul hax are instant win conditions
Krabs’ lack of any notable speed feats means his revolver could easily kill him…
Salute the Sun would completely destroy Krabs…
Disadvantages:
His revolver is trumped in speed and power by Krabs’ machine gun
…But without Jango scaling, the same holds true for Tuck against Krabs’ machine gun
…But it takes way too long to pull off, and Tuck could risk getting caught in the blast radius
Krabs’ poison could one-shot him if he was tricked into consuming it
There’s always a chance the Sun could refuse to cooperate with him
Verdicts
Studio
(The Amazing Digital Circus is fun imo)
This is gonna be a shorter verdict than Br3ndan5 might give.
When it comes down to it, Friar Tuck and Mr. Krabs are a bit similar in ways. Both are cunning and tricky, both have snapped under pressure, both are insane, both have committed murder… but Friar just… has more to work with.
Salute the Sun and the damning are instant ggs if they work. Like, yeah, both have things that make them need to be set up. But they would kinda obliterate the crab.
He’s got better experience in combat, both in more actual fights and fighting better opponents. A knight is better than an unprepared Squidward, y’know.
And manipulation wise, Friar is better. He not only has more trust given his actions, he’s far better at the whole “keep quiet, don’t get caught, kill when needed” thing. Plus, him not being found for days by a platoon of knights is better than just… sneaking into a house. There’s ways to enter a barricaded and boobytrapped house without as much issue as the former situation.
Let’s look at the other angle.
Mr. Krabs is a lot more insane, and his notion to announce his presence before he kills can outright be used against him. Damning and the revolver are good examples, but Friar’s stealth can let him sneak away and get the drop on the other killer.
His machine gun is good, but… the stealth thing. Not only that, a gun isn’t useless in melee range, but you’d better pray they don’t have better aim with a frying pan or, uwu forbid, a cannon.
While speed is arguable, Friar could at least possibly scale from Jango Fett’s blaster shit. And in a way, going in a fight where you can only rip faces off or at best decapitate Squidward against cracking a boulder open with one wooden stick’s swing is a bad idea. Krabs is, by far, weaker.
That kinda sums it up. Sure, Krabs has the machine guns, but… that’s kinda all he has? He butters himself and jumps into the frying pan himself due to being unwilling to use stealth as efficiently as he could. Add in what Friar Tuck can do, and yeah it was kinda that simple.
The highway to hell seems littered with seafood, now.
Br3ndan5
Yeah, so this is a bit of a weird choice to follow up Power Girl vs Hyperion. The first blog I made covers two comic characters with a ton of lore and powers, then we get a fight between two Internet edits whose total appearances combined can be counted on one hand. Is this a deliberate curveball to keep readers guessing what ideas will be on the blog, or just an excuse to talk about some of my favorite YouTube Poops? I’ll let you decide.
Anyway, let’s get into this verdict.
Starting off with stats, Mr. Krabs’ best showings are tearing off faces and either splitting Squidward’s skull or decapitating him. Not too shabby, but it pales in comparison to Tuck casually splitting a boulder in two. So it should go without saying that Archibald has the edge in strength.
Their speed is at least comparable, given they show next to nothing impressive in their videos… unless you scale Tuck to Jango and Robin, in which case we’re looking at a pretty massive speed gap in the friar’s favor. And in terms of durability, what they’ve shown isn’t really all that notable, either.
As for everything else, it’s pretty heavily stacked in Tuck’s corner. To be fair to Krabs, he at least had a physical presence during his killings, whereas Tuck mostly relied on proxies and manipulation. But in terms of combat experience? Well, we’ve got a guy that held his own against an accomplished knight versus a dude that never actually fought anyone.
And when it comes to their manipulation skills? One of these two managed to swindle an entire town into believing his lies and could hold himself back long enough to carry out his plans. The other goes into “kill mode” as soon as he has a victim in range.
When it comes to their arsenals, Krabs actually does have a few advantages here. His machine gun’s got more power and speed than the revolver, his bladed weaponry could probably cut through Tuck’s cane, and unlikely as it is, feeding Tuck the potassium cyanide would do him in… but then you look at what the friar brings to the table.
The dude’s frying pan alone is a pretty big asset with how much range it gives him up-close. And as impressive as Krabs’ pain tolerance is, he won’t last long against a frying pan that casually knocks people out or a cane that splits boulders with a tap. Tuck’s also got stuff like a cannon that can blast him into Krabs at high speeds, a disorienting smokescreen, a voodoo doll that could steal his soul, and, oh yeah, a book of magic.
And that brings us to our next aspect: their abilities. Both are proficient in stealth, but Tuck is just… way better overall. Don’t get me wrong, Krabs being able to sneak into a barricaded house unnoticed is pretty impressive… but it doesn’t compare to Tuck avoiding capture for several days. Plus, when it comes down to it, the friar has actual powers to fall back on.
True, he hasn’t been shown using his aerokinesis or telekinesis during fights, but there’s nothing that suggests he can’t use them in that scenario. Even putting that aside, damning Krabs is an instant wincon that Eugene has no way out of. And with how foul-mouthed Friar Tuck is, he could just off-handedly tell Krabs to go to hell and that’d be that.
But if you want to ignore that, there’s still the big, solar powered elephant in the room: Salute the Sun. Yeah, it takes time and specific requirements to pull off, but with his stealth and arguable speed advantage, Tuck would have more than enough time to pull it off. And with its enormous AOE and destructive power, there’s no way Krabs would escape before he got cooked.
Even if you want to say the prep time would render its usage moot, there’s still a specific advantage to its setup that Tuck could exploit. The spell requires “three of the most contemptible souls,” and I don’t know about you, but I’d say the guy that went on a murder spree over getting scammed is probably a worse person than “the kid that stole your popsicle” and “a dude that fought you over a misunderstanding.”
Either way, Salute the Sun is an instant win for Archibald, and Krabs has no way around it. Much like he has no way around any of Tuck’s other advantages… or any real way of winning this fight.
When it came down to it, Krabs was out of the frying pan, and into the friar.
The winner is Friar Tuck.
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